Lisa for Real

218. A different expression of a child’s love

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Yesterday, I wrote about why I often respond to my kids’ requests to do things with “maybe.”

In further thinking about how I communicate with my kids, I realize that being vague also appears in my responses to my kids’ questions about what is going on that day or what’s for dinner or what we are doing this weekend.

I become inexplicably frustrated with them for asking perfectly normal questions! Heck, as an adult, I want to know these things as well. But instead of giving them the straight answer, I’ll withhold that information and will either answer vaguely, say they don’t need to know or distract them and tell them to go play.

In thinking of the origins of why I hold back information, I realize it likely comes from my childhood. Growing up, information was given on an as needed basis. There was a lot that my mom had on her mind but they were never shared. I’m not sure if I asked questions but if I did, they most certainly got shut down. I never had a model for a healthy, open line of communication between child and parent – a result of Chinese culture, my mom’s personality/trauma/beliefs and our different dominant languages. I was left to figure out many things for myself and in some distorted way, being quiet and solving the problem myself was fulfilling a need for my mom for me to be obedient and became the way I showed that I cared and loved my mom and family.

While my children are growing up in a very different household than me, I can see myself repeating that pattern. I expect my kids to react the way I reacted but that doesn’t make sense in the relationship I want to cultivate. Their desire for information does not mean that they don’t want to earn my love and the information I have does not need to be withheld so that they will remain attached and try to earn my love.

Phew! There are quite a few layers to this one pattern I have but breaking it down helps in knowing it is not me but my inner child who wants to recreate the same pattern of expressing love that is familiar to her. I will be chatting with my inner child to say – “It is okay. I have the ability to communicate better with my kids than my mom did. I want to cultivate a real relationship with my kids based on open communication and understanding. I know that they are asking because they want to be informed on what is going on and that is perfectly reasonable for a child. We don’t need to repeat the patterns of my mom and my relationship.”

Second Generational Guilt

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Second Generational Guilt

I am wrought with second generational guilt.

I don’t know if that is the technical term for it, or if anyone has even coined a term for it but whatever you want to call it, I’ve got it.

And if you’ve got it too, you know exactly what I mean.

I feel guilty that…

…I was able to attain a college education when my mom had to stop her schooling in the middle of 4th grade to help her family on the farm.

…I sit on my butt in air conditioning while earning more in an hour than my mom made in a day when she first started working.

…I complain about said profession when my mom appreciated her manual job and never once uttered a negative word about it. Not. even. once.

…I give my husband a hard time for not writing me cards and giving me gifts when my mom took care of my sick father for years without ever asking for anything.

…I am on this endless search to “find myself” when my mom was happy to have a roof over her head and dinner on the table.

Who am I to want more…to earn more…to become more?

These questions have crept into my self-talk since I started working about ten years ago and started to really understand the struggles my mom had growing up in China and as an immigrant to the U.S. It has also been in the last ten years that I have “woken up” a bit and found my passions,wanted to start a business, and developed my sense of empathy. Those have all magnified the guilt.

In reality, I am truly a member of the privileged. I am reminded daily when I scroll through my Facebook feed. I have a steady paycheck, a home in an awesome city, and a beautiful family. I have an education and get to pursue learning everyday with a full bookshelf of unread books. How dare I want more?!

I have gotten angry with myself for being unappreciative and to be so consumed with such laughable first world problems.

As a mother now, I understand that my life and my problems are exactly what my mom wanted for me.

My mom never wanted me to have the struggles she faced. She wanted me to get a education. She wanted me to find a job in an office so I didn’t have to work overtime in a factory just to make ends meet. She wanted me to have more opportunities than her. And she did it in the most selfless way possible – uprooting her life from her familiar homeland to allow a better life for her children.

[bctt tweet=”As a mother now, I understand that my problems are exactly what my mom wanted for me.”]

So what am I to do with this second generational guilt?

The solution I have pursued over the past ten years has been to kick@$$ and start a business, make a lot of money and repay my mom for everything she has done. I have come to realize that this is way to much pressure to place on myself and it’s actually been stifling my progress. And more importantly, she does not want me to feel guilty, just as I’d never want my daughter to feel that way.

Instead, what I try to do now is honor her in whatever ways I can and to show her that I appreciate and love her. That means calling her more often, sending her pictures of my daughter, and inviting her to visit me. Those are the things that make her truly happy and I think if I do them more often, I will slowly chip away at this second generational guilt.

Do you experience second generational guilt? How do you remedy it?