What we find offensive or triggering is very much in our hands and worth greater examination.

An example of something that triggers the heck out of me and has nothing to do with intention is when someone uses the “care” reaction on my Facebook posts. This feature was added in 2020 in response to the pandemic so it is still fairly new. I use it often on other people’s posts to indicate that I care about what the person is saying and for their wellbeing or I acknowledge that what they shared is a tender topic.

I started noticing an intense reaction of disgust when I received care reactions to my posts. I write and share my writing to evoke thought and emotions but don’t you dare try to give me your sympathy! I share a similar reaction to George Constanza every time I see those smiley faces holding the hearts.

But, this reaction is ALL me.

I know this because 1) there is nothing wrong with someone giving sympathy or care – it’s not like it’s a reaction with a middle finger, a pile of brown poo or something like that and 2) the friends or acquaintances sharing those reactions are not intending to trigger me.

In this case, I don’t believe the ‘impact over intent’ idea really applies. So I have to go inward to examine why I am having this strong repulsion. What about someone expressing sympathy over my shares makes me want to scream?

I go back to where it all started – childhood.

Examining what sympathy meant to me growing up shines a light on why it conjures up complicated emotions for me.

On the surface, I can say that sympathy was not something that was safe for me. There was no time or energy to be spent in feeling sorry for myself. Sympathy did not get me the results that I needed to provide for my family.

Looking deeper, I realize that sympathy was an emotion I tried to get from others in order for them to do something for me.

Like when I had to call the insurance company to get an exception, I had to induce sympathy in them for my situation in order for them to help me. The same for governmental offices ,the hospital and so on.

Six year old me saw sympathy as a manipulative tool, not a genuine emotion.

Ding ding ding!

No wonder I am repulsed by those care reactions. When I see them, I am subconsciously thinking – “What do they want from me?”

Time to rewire and bring new beliefs to my mind and body –

People care about and care for me genuinely.
I do not need to induce sympathy for someone to care about me or to help me.
I create genuine connection with my writing that goes beyond sympathy.

Our emotions have so many layers and all of them are valid. Triggers are an opportunity for us to examine further into how we can heal and become less burdened with the weight of those triggers.

To know ourselves better, it’s important to try to find out about the time we were in the womb as well as when we first came into the world. 

The stories shared (or not shared) by loved ones give us tremendous insight into the whole version of ourselves.

Learning about the happenings outside of the womb is helpful too. Were there wars? What job did my mom have? Was their a death in the family?

Lastly, if not much of those things are available to you, then go inward. Meditate and then feel into your body about what was happening at the time. It may feel like you’re reaching or grasping for answers. Trust that the body knows

Growing up, I was compared to a very smart cousin. I’d like to think I’m pretty bright but the comparison to someone who is absolutely brilliant has always made me feel lacking.

Being smart was a trait that many older family members valued, along with listening, obeying and following the rules – all in the name of saving face. And so I followed along.

All of this has kept me in my head. Being a thinker is a safe space for me. Pontificating and writing on this blog is safe. Brainstorming endlessly with friends and accountability partners is safe.

What is not safe is breaking the mold. What is not safe is not following the rules. What is not safe is embarrassing the family.

However, being so much in my head is making me very angsty. It no longer feels safe to think and ideate. It no longer feels safe to follow the rules, stay small and be “good.”

So how does one get out of this pattern, disrupting the idea of what is safe in the body?

I start by going back to my inner child. I go back to memories that reinforce that narrative in my mind. I identify where in my body I feel that unsafety. I move my body as it feels called to. Then I rewire. I state the new beliefs I want to embody. I stated trust in my body. And then, the adult me enters and tells little me that all is well. Safety is not in her hands anymore. I can take care of it. It is safe for me to do, to take action, and to make mistakes.

You go to a gathering and meet someone related to your birthing instructor.

You move to a town to find a childhood friend there.

You go to the store and see the influencer you follow.

You visit Barcelona and run into a friend who is eating dinner.

You go on a date in a different city and come across friends at three different spots.

What these real life examples show is that we are so interconnected. While we cannot see it, our energetic bodies are linked. The people we know weave in and out of our lives that exist in this very small world. To me, there is nothing else to explain these occurrences.

Having worked corporate for over 15 years in a handful of roles, I have figured out what makes me a more valuable contributor and happiest at work. This translates directly into my work as a coach.

• I am nosey – I like to know all of the nitty gritty details. When I learn about a framework or storyline, I still see holes and gaps in the information. I need details to fill in those holes or at least scaffold main themes so I can actually understand where I fit into the whole shebang and where I can make the biggest difference.
  This means I have to ask questions and insert myself into conversations or meetings to get the whole picture.
• Above all else, I work with people. I am driven by people, not metrics. I am more committed if a colleague and I have had a personal conversation and made a connection. Tasks, goals and money do not motivate me.
  This means that I should dedicate a fair amount of my time to building relationships and working closely with clients.
• I need to see the “so what?” I work on energy and impact. If I don’t see the point in what I am working on, it is pretty hard to motivate me. This is a big challenge when working for someone else. The more steadfast I become in who I am and what works for me, the harder it is to follow orders and just do that thing because so and so says so. My personal values and the goals of the role end up being at odds.
  This means that I need to find opportunities that align with me and when I may not have a choice, I lean on the other two bullets to pull me through.

Daniel Pink’s Drive walks us through fundamentals of what motivates us to do the things we do. There are universal principles which are interesting to learn but more importantly, is understanding what motivates each of us individually. If we want to do remarkable work in the world, we have to learn what our underlying motivations are.