When I speak (or write) my truth or when I’m offering words for others (friends, clients, etc.), I can feel my body shaking, my throat clenching and a radiating energy moving often from my throat towards my third eye.

When I first noticed this combination of sensations, I mistook it for my body warning me. I thought maybe I was saying the wrong thing and felt fear and doubt.  It is not comfortable and often comes on suddenly like a wave. And when it is over, it leaves me like a wave returning to the sea.

I wonder, if as a child, I felt this and stopped saying things that would bring up these feelings because it was uncomfortable and I didn’t know what they were. I didn’t have anyone to tell me that truth could feel this way. Perhaps I shut down my truth out of that fear and unawareness. 

Now, every time I feel that way, I consider it such a gift. How amazing is it that my body is signaling to me that something I am saying is so important? How amazing is it that I receive affirmation that I am on the right path?

Have you taken notice of your body’s sensations? How does your body feel when you say certain things?

If left unattended, our Inner Child will run the show.

As a child, I was the one who adults relied on to do many things – of course she is going to continue to run the show if left to her devices! She will continue to make decisions out of fear and scarcity and in the name of safety and security.

It wasn’t until I was a mother that I realized how traumatic my childhood was. A therapist stated, ‘It sounds like your childhood was traumatic.’ And I said, ‘Oh it was fine.’ Then she asked if I would want my daughter to go through the childhood I went through. When tears started flowing down my cheeks, I realized that my childhood was indeed traumatic.

Between the ages of 7 to 12, I used to have dreams of protecting my house from invaders of all sorts including mice and gangs and one time, Beebop and Rocksteady from the Ninja Turtles even showed up. Those dreams were my way of processing the responsibilities I held which directly impacted my family’s financial situation, health coverage and safety.

As a parent, I can now recognize how overwhelming it would be for a 7 year old to experience what I experienced. Now, it is up to adult me to step in and say to my inner child, “Hey, you don’t need to be responsible for anything anymore. You don’t need to protect the family. I’ve got it. You go off and play.”

And like children, I have to repeat this message in different situations to remind her that what I said before also applies to this situation. Each time she makes her exit, I can run the show, at least until the next trigger shows up.

If you feel like it always has to be you, remember that you are only one person. You cannot do everything nor should all the things fall onto you.

Maybe you wear it as a twisted sense of pride. If, while growing up, you had to be THE ONE, then you have deeply ingrained beliefs of it.

Start to delayer this belief a little bit at a time.

Recognizing is the first step. Recognize when and where it is a default. What may trigger it? What instances does it not appear?

In this case, the power of observation shines a light on something that has been hidden in plain sight.

Once the action is recognized and defaults identified, we can move onto the next steps of rewriting that narrative and practicing new patterns.

Claiming who we are is a big step.

For much of my childhood into my young adult years, I had to morph from one personality to another to feel safe, to fit in, and to protect my family. Can I really claim who I truly am? Don’t I need all of those parts of me on deck in case of an emergency?

But, as I think about it, all of those other versions of me weren’t actually me. They were masks, costumes and roles I had to take on in order to do what I needed to do.

And now, as an adult, I have the opportunity and privilege to claim ME. That is terrifying! Never before have I had to rely on ME to get things done. I always felt the need to don another identity, one that knew the important details, one that would be more well received/accepted and one that was able to convince the other person to do what needed to be done.

As I am on the precipice of claiming a big part of me and declaring it to the world, I feel overwhelmed and scared. And yet, I also feel centered, joyful and excited.

I am enough.

A Facebook friend shared a quote that I thought pretty much summed up personal development in a nutshell. The quote is by Leland Val Van De Wall who seems to be a motivational speaker and writer. I’ve adapted it slightly to be more inclusive. The quote is –

The degree to which a person can grow is directly proportional to the amount of truth they can accept about themselves without running away.

At first, sitting with my shame, fear, sadness, anger, etc. was hard. I had so many triggers (still do) and I did not trust myself to be able to handle them.

After learning, expanding and applying many different techniques from countless modalities and teachers and resources, I can sit with myself in many uncomfortable feelings and thoughts now.

I have become a more compassionate, positive, forward looking person and in turn can offer that to others which hopefully domino’s to many more people.

Personal growth and elevation leads to collective growth.