Lisa for Real

Why I am no longer a failure

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i am not a failure

Guess what? I’m not calling myself a failure anymore.

I’m not sure anyone else has looked at me that way but I definitely have. I have looked in the mirror after every project of mine imploded or fizzled and said, “Wow, I totally suck. Why can’t I ever successfully finish anything? I am just not cut out to do my own thing.” (Of course, then I go out there a month later to try all over again.)

I have tried quite a few things. If you are an adept Googler, you’ll be able to find what I lovingly call, my internet breadcrumbs – remnants of projects past. All of these attempted businesses fell apart within a year for a variety of reasons.

I couldn’t keep my health coaching practice going because I was getting too drained from the clients. My networking group stopped after a year when I got pregnant. My essential oils business went ker-plunk after just several months. And my health and wellness magazine style site is still hanging by a thread but it’s no longer stimulating me.

I thought getting bored, tired or drained meant I had failed, but I realized this morning, I didn’t fail at any of these!

I have always considered myself a hands on learner. Why is business any different?

I enrolled at my college because of the “hands on” curriculum and I still say it is one of the best decisions I have made. I have known for a long time that I learn by doing, by experimenting.

If I did not pursue my past ventures, I would not have learned about what I like or don’t like, what works and doesn’t work, and what models succeed and don’t succeed.

With my coaching practice, I learned client work can be draining and having a multiple session package that requires meeting regularly does not fit my style. I also learned that I liked the health side of it all but it was really the life side of coaching that I loved. I learned I have a knack at asking good questions to help people really dig to get to the root of an issue.

With my networking group, I learned that I loved having the energy of a group of people and organizing the group and leading the effort. I also love holistic health practitioners and feel they are an underserved population that I feel called to support. Lastly, I found that having multiple monthly, in-person meetings was fun but unsustainable as I was about to enter motherhood.

With my essential oils business, I learned I can’t sell other people’s products as the core of my business even if I love them (and I love my oils!). I have been solicited by MLM companies and turned them all down until the oils because I felt most aligned with them! And when I realized I couldn’t sell for them, I knew the MLM model wasn’t for me.

So what does this mean? It means I am not just a hands on learner at school but at life.

I know I learn by doing. When it seems to other people that I am flaky or a failure, I will reminder myself that this is how I process information – via experiences. By doing I am learning and progressing and triangulating on what works for me.

How about you? Have you always considered yourself a hands on learner? Have you translated that mentality into your pursuits in life since leaving the classroom?

Inspiration: I was brushing my teeth listening to a podcast on May 11th and something that the speaker said made me think – of course I’m not a failure! I immediately rinsed my mouth out and quickly tapped this blog out on my phone on the bed. Inspiration really can it whenever! I’m so happy that I have the Google Docs app with my writing document on my phone which I can turn on anywhere whenever I get an idea or urge to write.

Why I don’t want my daughter to be a princess

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16.07.23 daughter princessOne evening last week, my daughter came home from daycare, had her milk and went to put on a skirt that my mom made her. After slipping it on over her head, she plopped down onto the bed and stated with a bright smile…

“I’m a princess.”

I saw red.

No, her skirt was not red. Nor anything else in the room.

I was red inside – completely fuming.

I turned to my husband and said, “We need to get her out of daycare now.”

A bit of an extreme reaction?

Yes.

But I did not want to raise a princess lover.

I know that kids choose their own path, and I am a believer in that, but honestly and naively, I never thought that MY daughter would ever take the princess path. I really should know better because my sweet nieces, daughters of a non-princess anything mom, love their Disney princesses.

So, very calmly, I  asked my daughter, “Oh, really? What is a princess?”

I’m pretty sure she said “I don’t know.”

But honestly, I can’t say.

I wasn’t even listening to her.

Instead, I was drafting the email in my head to her daycare teachers about how I did not want to perpetuate gender stereotypes.

I was scorning Disney and pink and all things frilly and frail.

I was trying to figure out which of her classmates might have possibly put the princess idea in her head.

Since last week, my daughter has said she’s a princess several more times. Each time added more salt to the wound and put me a step closer to drafting that letter to her daycare teachers.

It has been eating away at me, and when I read this article this morning on the clear designation of girl and boy toys, I had enough.

I posted it to my Super Mom Village Facebook group  and vented a bit. It sparked an amazing conversation, and I got some really thoughtful responses. But they were not at all what I expected.

My fellow moms did not rally with me and lambaste Disney and princesses. Instead, they essentially questioned my fundamental reasoning and said maybe a little “self reflection” needs to be done.

“Who me? Self reflection? There is nothing wrong with my view on princesses.” 

Or so I thought…

As I relived that moment after milk on the bed and the subsequent times she has said “I’m a princess,” I got a queasy feeling in my stomach and a lump in my throat. Every time. Both reactions are signs that something is amiss.

After I walking around in denial all day and trying to rationalize my way out of it, I have come to the realization…

“Crap. I have princess issues.”

The reason I don’t want my daughter to be a princess is due to my own beliefs, limitations and experiences.

What beliefs you ask? The real question is which one? Where do I even start?

I never grew up with princess movies, toys or even pretend play. I played sports, X-men, and Encyclopedia Brown with my brother and guy cousins. That being said, you’d think I would have a neutral view on princesses. To the contrary, I feel my identity tied so much to not being a princess and not having those memories that if my daughter becomes one, I fear I won’t be able to identify and relate with her.

I see princesses as heavily associated with fairy tales, which is not exactly how my life has unfolded. I have always held a deep belief that my daughter should “earn her stripes.” Not in a cruel way like subjecting her to age-inappropriate situations, but to be knowledgeable about the world beyond first world problems, understand that not everything is a fairy tale and that she is the creator of her future. To me, having princess fantasies would make her less in touch with the greater issues of the world. But as I write this, I realize I sound cruel and heartless – more like the evil stepmother in the stories than a loving mother. 

I think of princesses as weak and kind of useless. One of the Super Moms said, “Can I ask what’s so wrong about wanting to be a princess? Princess Di was pretty badass.” My friend had a good point. If my daughter was a princess, she’d be a pretty bad ass one, and she definitely wouldn’t wait to be saved by her prince but would bulldoze her way out of a sticky situation! I should have faith in her abilities beyond her belief that she is a princess.

I see princesses as frivolous. With ridiculous fairy tale problems like finding her prince, or falling under a spell and waiting to be saved, or spending all of her time at balls and talking to animals. Basically, not contributing to society. I can’t have a daughter who doesn’t see how ridiculous those issues are! I want her to save the turtles and whales and solve global warming! But these things are all beyond my control. (I’ll have to write about control issues another time!)

I see being a princess in direct opposition to the values I want to teach her.

Those include independence, empathy, self confidence, understanding world issues, and serving a greater purpose.

In a nutshell, I fear what princesses represent. However, this is an unfounded fear. I have demonized princesses and fairy tales in my head. Seen them as the sole reason that little girls become weak women. I have projected my beliefs and insecurities onto how I want to raise my daughter. 

But what mom isn’t guilty of that? What can we do but provide experiences and share our principles and philosophies to help mold the future of this world?

But where do my beliefs end and hers start?

I know I want her to be her own person. For her to do her own thing, to create her own memories and experience even more than I do. I know I want her to take charge and simply to kick ass . But I have been under the misconception that the only way to do that is for her to take the path that I took. After all, how can I be a great mother when I can’t directly relate to her experience?

It seems I’ve got a bit of self work to do in this area.

As she gets older and I continue my self development, I’m realizing that raising a daughter is going to be where a lot of my self work happens. And I am simultaneous excited but scared to unearth these inner demons. I know that working on myself directly impacts my mothering and my daughter. It’s a journey that can only benefit the both of us.

So what beliefs do I need to breakdown?

In this instance, I need to think outside of my princess stereotypes. (Conjure images of Princess Di.) I need to let go of trying to control all of her situations. (But I still may send a note to daycare.) I need to believe that growing up differently than the way I did is okay. (Take a look at all of my amazing friends who are strong women and know that every single person took a different path.) I need to trust that I can be a great mother even if I can’t directly relate to her challenges. (I’m resourceful, I have many experiences that I can pull from my tool bag to help her and if I can’t, it’s okay!)

One of the brilliant Super Moms said, “Have faith in the foundations that you set for her. Ultimately she will end up being herself, regardless of whether you approve or not.”

She is absolutely right. The best I can do is share my principles and have faith. My daughter will choose what she wants.

Who am I to decide for her?

Inspiration: I was on an unintentional break from this blog but this experience was eating away so much at me that I knew I had to write through it and bring me out of writing hibernation. My princess issues run deep because they intertwine with many other beliefs as I described above. I’ll be working through this for a while but I know that I have uncovered and peeled away a layer of gunk stopping me from being a better mother, role model and woman.
What word is your “princess”? What beliefs are you holding on tightly to at the expense of your child or friend or family member’s development or health? What standards have you created for yourself that are unrealistic or short-sighted? Comment below! No judgement. Just love.

Ending Martyrdom

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matyrdom“I’m a mother! I don’t have time for that!”

Have you ever caught yourself saying those words? Maybe to your friends? Your husband? Or even yourself?

I did just that this week, and it was a huge wake up call.

Over the past couple of weeks, I have felt very unfocused and tired.

I have been working on a couple of side projects while balancing work and life with an increasingly clever and active toddler. My goals in all areas have been building up on my to-do list and I cannot scratch them off soon enough.

In a Facebook business group that I’m a part of, someone posted “Where are you feeling like you need the most help and/or guidance in your business right now?” (I love being part of Facebook groups to get support!)

I replied, “Staying focused. I’m feeling overwhelm from how much I need to do and burnout from working full time and side hustling.”

Another member responded and asked me what I am doing in terms of self care. Her exact words were, “What is your self care practice?”

I let out a BIG scoff.

My immediate response was, “Self care practice? I’m a mom trying to start a business. I don’t have time for self care!”

I stopped in my tracks and thought, “Yikes! That is my problem!”

My busy-ness has crowded out what should be a top priority – my self care.

I have completely ignored my self care in the name of progress, and ironically, it is my lack of self care that is holding me back from progressing in my work.

My meditation practice is non-existent at this point and going to yoga feels like visiting a foreign land. I find myself going to bed at 1:00 AM or 2:00 AM. And even when I get into bed, I play a couple of rounds of Candy Crush before shutting my phone down because I need to “unwind” before bed. Oh the shame in admitting that!

That Facebook post was my wake up call.

I have a false belief that suffering must be part of my journey to greatness.

Logically, I know better but a deep part of me sees it as a requirement to “make it.” This is definitely one of my biggest forms of self sabotage, and since becoming a mother, it seems to have magnified. Can you relate to that?

Mothers and entrepreneurs are suckers for martyrdom. As I straddle both worlds, I have definitely doubled down on the “woe is me” attitude. But I know it doesn’t have to be that way.

I need a plan to combat that attitude.

First things first, I need to return to meditating. I have let my need for busy-ness take over and not meditating has amplified the busy thoughts in my mind. The goal is 10 minutes daily, and I have a friend I’m checking in with to hold me accountable.

Second, I need to stop wearing “busy” as a badge of honor. Busy is a choice and a poor excuse. I need to stop being too “busy” to meditate, go to yoga, sleep, read a romance novel, spend time with my husband, and buy new clothes. These are all things that I have de-prioritized in the name of progress. One way to remove that badge is to remove “busy” from my vocabulary. I have actually heard my daughter use it several times to pre-empt my saying it, and it feels like nails on a chalkboard. I need to be a better model for my daughter.

Lastly, I need to re-frame how I think about time. I am and will always be an impatient person. When I start a project, I want it to have already come to fruition and to meet my goals so I can move to the next thing. However, time is the ultimate equalizer. We all have 24 hours in a day, and as much as I want to manipulate time to my advantage, I can’t add any more hours to my days. I need to work within the confines of 24 hours and 7 hours of that being for sleep. Also, my projects deserve all of the time they need to be created. I need to take the approach of slow and steady wins the race and any other way leads to burnout.

On my third Mother’s Day, I pledge to release my martyrdom.

I want to enjoy my motherhood and I want to enjoy my journey into entrepreneurship. It does not serve me or any other women out there to justify suffering as a requirement to achieve our goals and it does not serve our children either. Will you join me in unlatching and releasing those shackles and truly embracing the journey?

Inspiration: This post’s inspiration came from a very uninspired week. I had been feeling a bit of blah (apparently, there is a lot going on astrologically) and this conversation on Facebook really made me come to my senses. Letting go of my beliefs around suffering, busy-ness, and time will be a many year journey but I feel with these three things, I’m on the right path.

My Labored Breath

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breathing, stuck, throat, heart

Breathing is life.
It is essential.
But for me, it is laboring.
I breathe and it gets caught in my throat.
As the air travels down to my heart, it stops.

The heart says to my breath:

Stop your liveliness.
Your freshness cannot enter.
You are not allowed to be down here.
This is where dusty memories are.
Your breeze will blow the dust off these memories – that were so safely tucked away for so long.
Do not enter.

My breath says to my heart:

Allow for me to enter.
To breathe new life to old memories. To give a fresh perspective.
I am not the same as the breath who gave you those memories.
I am fuller, richer.
I am more gentle, more whole.
Release those dusty memories and make room for new ones.
Ones that help you expand, become, believe.
Allow me, welcome me to be with you, to blow off that dust, to escort those memories out.

Let us create anew.

Inspiration: I wrote this – dare I say – poem after leading a meditation at work and having everyone participate in a free writing exercise afterwards. The meditation was on breathing (entitled Breath Awareness from Meditation Oasis) and so naturally I wrote breathing.
For as long as I can remember, I have had issues with taking a full breath. This was made very clear when I started yoga classes almost 10 years ago. My breath gets caught in my throat and the left side of my chest. This stuckness/blockage has gone away after energy healing sessions and recently when I was meditating but always returned. Part of my self-work is understanding what is blocking that part of my chest and throat and to release it. I know it is indicative of something bigger but I’m not quite sure what it is yet.

 

This is my first foray into sharing my poetry. It is a big leap for me because I see poetry as truly my body expressing itself, totally raw and vulnerable. Words are not coming from my mind but from the cells of my body. What can you do today that is a big leap?

What I’ve learned from Prince’s Death

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Prince, death, lessonCelebrity deaths are a funny thing.

Millions of people around the world are mourning the death of Prince. Some mourn for him like he was a family member, and some even more so than they would their own family.

Prince was not a personal idol of mine. But I do feel sad we have lost an amazing artist. While I didn’t grow up with posters of him on my wall, I’m sure I love artists who have been influenced by him and obviously, have friends who were impacted by him based on my Facebook feed this morning.

This makes me think – why do we mourn so hard for celebrities and often mourn together yet are so disconnected as a society and lack that type of emotion when watching videos of people being senselessly beaten or pass homeless people on the street?

Why have we made ourselves so vulnerable in our relationships with these celebrities but not so much in our everyday lives?

It is because you give what you get. These stars made themselves vulnerable to us, and in turn, we allowed them into intimate areas of our lives creating a very deep connection with them. They have shown us their humanity – their faults, their gifts, their stretch marks. And when they become famous, it’s often hard for us to ignore since those faults and gifts are splattered on tabloid covers for us to see and this relationship magnifies.

These artists use their talents to touch people.

The good ones use it to inspire us, to relate to our struggles and to share their truths. By making themselves vulnerable, it makes them relatable and makes us, their audience, want to connect. After all, humanity is about connection and community.

What does our unbounded connection to celebrities mean to me? It means that we are lacking vulnerability as a society. We are okay when celebrities show themselves (maybe because it’s justified with their fat paychecks?) but it’s not okay for us. Vulnerability as an everyday human is seen as a weakness, not as a strength. Ironically, that is what made Prince and other celebrities stars. And where did these celebrities start?

They certainly didn’t start as hiding.

They started by putting themselves out there and using their vulnerability as a platform.

They wanted to hone their craft, to share it with others, and yes, possibly to make money from it too. They started where we are. And through their work, they have touched millions of lives and the ripple effect of their work will continue for a very long time.

The outright and seemingly absurd depression that I see in my Facebook feed over the death of a celebrity is indicative of one thing – the need for more vulnerability and community in our lives. That translates to the need to
be vulnerable ourselves, create connections and start a ripple effect in our lives.

There is nothing that Prince did that we can’t do.

He started in the same pool as us. He just found a way to make it to the diving board and show the world his fancy twists and flips. His realness and vulnerability is what propelled him as a star making him seemingly unattainable but it’s also the thing that makes him most similar to us. Isn’t it time for you to tap into your vulnerability and share your gifts? The world needs more connection, you need more connection and the only way to get there is being vulnerable and showing the world the real you.

How are you going to start being more vulnerable starting today?
Have you ever gotten wrapped up in achieving a goal or a title and worked so hard to attain it that stopped having fun you lost yourself along the way? I would love to hear about it!

Inspiration: This post came flooding to me as I was brushing my teeth and scrolling through my Facebook feed. Yes, this is my real life. Too much Facebook, too little connection. Time to start building those relationships! I’d love to hear from you – email me, share your story, how can you be more vulnerable?