Lisa for Real

220. Why I am really angry with my child

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My child had a difficult moment tonight that was totally my fault – I let him stay up too late to watch the Olympics.

As I am getting him ready for bed, he starts hitting and kicking me. The angry version of me appears suddenly. Rage takes over the wheel. Words and actions spill out that I can almost watch myself saying and doing but I can’t stop them. It is like a part of me that has been repressed has been triggered and comes roaring out when she’s finally had ENOUGH.

I feel shame over this part of me. “I” know better than to let anger take over. And I think anger can be healthy but this anger doesn’t feel pure. It feels like the little child in me is saying, “You don’t get to do this because I never did! I never got away with all of this nonsense!” She is hurt and does not want to give the validation of my child’s feelings because she never got validation.

Oh my…

“Little me, you had to hold it together for everyone else. You never got to be a child. You were never given the time or space to grow into your feelings. You never got the freedom to let your anger out. You never had that liberty to just be a kid. I love you. I love you. I love you. You have my permission to go do the things you want to do. The things children do. Go play. Go play. Go play. Oh child, go play.”

As I wrote through this post, I actually had to take a break after “Oh my…” to say a version of these words to my inner child. Once I realized that what manifested tonight between me and my son was coming from deep within, a wound that is over 30 years old. Tears fell, I grabbed my chest, speaking to the heart of me where I feel like my inner child hides. When I do these inner child healings, it hurts – years of repression, sadness, anger and disappointment come out in tears and chest heaving but they are worth it because I feel lighter and a little more healed.

A realization I had during my inner dialogue was around my word for 2021, which is “play.” As I repeated, “go play” to my inner child, I realized that the word “play” is not for me, it is for her. This year was and is all about my own inner child work and releasing the habits and triggers that are holding me back from being happy, healthy and fulfilled.

215. We’ve been ripping all wrong

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Watching my daughter take a band aid off a cut today was excruciating.

I kept thinking – Just rip off the whole thing already!

But instead, she was gingerly easing it off, millimeter by millimeter.

As I watched her take care of herself, I asked myself, “What does ripping off the band aid serve? Why do we need to rip it off quickly?”

A few weeks back, I very quickly ripped off a band aid for my son, and he was so upset when I did. I was sure that doing it quickly was good for him, but was it really?

Would it have served my daughter to rip off the band aid quickly? Or was it better for her to take care, listen to her body and slowly take it off?

Perhaps we, as the parent and observer, the one not in pain, want the band aid to be ripped off quickly because we can’t stand watching our children (and really this applies watching anyone else) be in pain. Maybe sitting in the pain, millimeter by millimeter, is an okay position to be in – both for the observer as well as the one taking off the band aid?

200. Ease on down to the next step

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We all know that immediacy, urgency and frenzy are detrimental for our body, mind and nervous system, but they are so standard and normal in our way of living, especially during times of transition. In Western culture, there is a compulsion to get to the next step ‘yesterday’ so when transition happens, it’s both feet in immediately.

One such example is birth. New moms are expected and, thus, feel compelled to jump right into perfecting motherhood from the start. Imagine asking someone off the street to start juggling a bowling pin, a tennis ball and a lit torch without giving them any time to practice. There is a 100% probability that the person will feel overwhelmed, drop one or all of the things and maybe even catch on fire.

I am also witnessing this right now with the easing of restrictions in the US and the jumping back into “normal” life. We don’t give ourselves enough time for our body, mind and nervous system to catch up with one another.

There is no prescribed way to ease back into life postpartum or post-pandemic (and yes, I know we technically are not “post-pandemic”) but above any external recommendations is the importance in listening to our bodies. Feeling into the here and now with input of what’s happened will ease us into the transition, not shock our system and allow for us to live the next stage of life freely.

164. From beginning to end

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In a species that requires touch, interaction and community to survive, our culture disproportionately values independence.

It starts from the very beginning of life. The concern parents have when their baby is “behind” and the joy they express when their baby finally takes those first steps – that joy being really a masked sigh of relief that their baby is more “independent” now.

And independence gets rewarded as milestones, achievement and excellence become the focus of growth over a lifetime.

This serves us well in a society where resources, attention and awards are limited. We get badges of honors when we are the “greatest of all time” or the most valuable player or are the captain.

We learn quickly that there is a hierarchy and that hierarchy is typically shaped as a pyramid – with room for very few at the top. We have to study hard to beat the curve. We have to edge out our coworkers for a larger portion of the bonus pool. We have to have the best looking lawn on the block (i.e., better than that poor sap down the street with the crabgrass).

And a lifetime of being financially and socially rewarded for independence ends with so many elderly living and dying alone whether by choice or by default.

How does a species that starts with babies who would die without human touch end end with the idea of people dying alone normalized?

Perhaps it is because self-preservation is a honed habit, skill and belief over a lifetime and fed by generations of traumas.

163. Can’t live without it

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In Gabor Maté’s new film, The Wisdom of Trauma, he states that authenticity isn’t just a new age, feel good topic but that the expression of it is a key mechanism for survival.

What if not being our true selves is the largest obstacle to living a healthy, abundant and fulfilling life?

And if that is the case, how do we get to our true selves? How do we work through the countless layers of protection, stories and falsehoods we have used to shield ourselves from hurt, pain and feeling unsafe?

I’ve got many thoughts about this, but more than sharing, I’d love to hear yours.