Lisa for Real

247. The ultimate self work

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Control is something we all want to have in one form or another. I’ve learned slowly, over time and repeatedly that there is only so much I can control.

Parenting has been a huge lesson in how false the idea of control is. There is nothing like trying to mother a spirited child to really bring you back down to earth. Whenever I try to take control while parenting, I am miserable.

And really, this goes into any relationship. With my partner and mother and family and friends – though I can’t say I have as much desire to control them as I do my kids.

What helps me grounded while parenting and times where I feel like I have very little control is my favorite lesson from Wayne Dyer – his quote on karma – “How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.” 

I only have control over how I react to other people and situations.

And so the ultimate self work is in examining those reactions, healing the ones that are undesirable and continuing to dig into the layers of who we are.

239. The time to heal is now

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Don’t wait any longer before healing.

Right now, no matter what age you are, you have a lifetime worth of stories in you.

By the time we are six or seven, we have imprinted our understanding of our self and the world.

You have more than enough to start the inner work. Don’t wait to come across another hurdle. Take this post as a sign.

230. Don’t pass on the trauma

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Before I had children, I half-joked that when I became a mom, I was going to pretend that we were poor and I could not speak English and have them take on the responsibilities that I had as a child – basically have my children re-live my childhood.

Wow – what a total trauma response to my youth.

I’m glad that I never followed through because what I wanted to happen would never have come to fruition!

So what did I want?

I wanted (and still want) my kids to become grateful and good human beings.

But it would have been a disaster. Besides the obvious terrible ramifications of living a childhood where your mom completely lied to you, it would have never worked because my children are different than I am. They are growing up in a completely different time under a different culture.

I cannot raise my kids like they are subjects in a controlled petri dish. They are their own people and will have their own destinies. And who says that only scarcity and a hard life creates grateful and good humans?

Further, trying to perpetuate my own trauma into the next generation is not generative. This type of thinking is something we should all look to disrupt and heal within ourselves.

220. Why I am really angry with my child

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My child had a difficult moment tonight that was totally my fault – I let him stay up too late to watch the Olympics.

As I am getting him ready for bed, he starts hitting and kicking me. The angry version of me appears suddenly. Rage takes over the wheel. Words and actions spill out that I can almost watch myself saying and doing but I can’t stop them. It is like a part of me that has been repressed has been triggered and comes roaring out when she’s finally had ENOUGH.

I feel shame over this part of me. “I” know better than to let anger take over. And I think anger can be healthy but this anger doesn’t feel pure. It feels like the little child in me is saying, “You don’t get to do this because I never did! I never got away with all of this nonsense!” She is hurt and does not want to give the validation of my child’s feelings because she never got validation.

Oh my…

“Little me, you had to hold it together for everyone else. You never got to be a child. You were never given the time or space to grow into your feelings. You never got the freedom to let your anger out. You never had that liberty to just be a kid. I love you. I love you. I love you. You have my permission to go do the things you want to do. The things children do. Go play. Go play. Go play. Oh child, go play.”

As I wrote through this post, I actually had to take a break after “Oh my…” to say a version of these words to my inner child. Once I realized that what manifested tonight between me and my son was coming from deep within, a wound that is over 30 years old. Tears fell, I grabbed my chest, speaking to the heart of me where I feel like my inner child hides. When I do these inner child healings, it hurts – years of repression, sadness, anger and disappointment come out in tears and chest heaving but they are worth it because I feel lighter and a little more healed.

A realization I had during my inner dialogue was around my word for 2021, which is “play.” As I repeated, “go play” to my inner child, I realized that the word “play” is not for me, it is for her. This year was and is all about my own inner child work and releasing the habits and triggers that are holding me back from being happy, healthy and fulfilled.