Lisa for Real

290. Hitting ‘publish’

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On the eve of launching my podcast, I am anxious and questioning myself.

I’ve been curled up in fetal position, nestled in a Lisa-shaped dip in the bed, warm, cozy and comfy under the covers. And launching this podcast would be the equivalent of throwing off the covers, shocking my body with frigid air and maybe also having a bucket of ice water poured on me simultaneously.

And for what? Why would I willingly embark on such an endeavor?

Why not just stick with writing? It’s worked out okay for me so far!

Podcasting seems like a whole other level of baring my soul. I’ve recorded hours of audio that I’ve deleted upon playback. Hearing my voice makes me cringe and gives me a pit in my stomach.

Stretching myself and my creating seems harder this time than before. But part of me also wonders if it is actually any different from when I launched this blog which I was equally inspired to create.

I have wanted to create a podcast for longer than I’ve been a mother. I have an archived folder on my computer with multiple cover arts for podcast ideas that have come and gone. If I don’t stretch and reach now, how long before this dream leaves me entirely, tired of my hiding and fears?

Fears are thoughts that our brains have created to protect us, but not the adult version of us. They were created to protect the little child version of us. Adult version of me knows podcasting is the next thing – even if the reasons are unclear. Little version of me says it is downright terrifying and in inquiring a little further, it is scary because new stages of my life have felt unsupported and are always where I lose friends – that feels scary and unsafe.

Oh, little Lisa, you have survived every new thing that you’ve done. New stages are where you’ve met amazing people – people who remain friends today. Following your inspirations have always led you down a path that seems like it was meant to be. And you have so much support from your physical and spiritual team who have been part of the magic of living this inspired life.

Intellectually knowing why I feel the fear does not make it any easier. This is one of those moments where I am feeling the fear and doing it anyway. Closing my eyes and hitting ‘publish’.

And I know, there will not be any big explosion. There will not be a mass exodus of family and friends. There will not be an upheaval of my life. There will be no covers pulled off of me. And there will be no bucket of ice water poured on me.

But what a choice to hit ‘publish’.

288. The Trojan horse to community building

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In a recent podcast interview, my guest, Jean, and I talked about art and community. She said that art is “uniquely qualified to tell stories,” and the shared experience of watching/hearing/feeling/seeing art of all kinds is unifying versus divisive.

When she said that, I saw art as the Trojan horse in building community. It elevates us above our differences and offers an opportunity to connect on a whole different level. To appreciate a jazz quartet’s playing or a contemporary dance performance or a fine meal with beautiful plating, your heart has to be open. And when your heart is open, you can’t hate or be angry. When your heart is open, it is open not just for the art but also for other people.

How many times (pre-pandemic) have we comment to a stranger after a show or at the exhibit of what we had just experienced?

Community comes from connection. Connection can be facilitated by a shared heart-opening experience. That experience can come from art.

287. Claiming what I want

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I have always had a hard time deciding and claiming what I want. This ranges from “little” things like what donut to choose at the donut shop to “big” things like a salary range I’d like my job to have.

I didn’t have role models growing up who staked a claim for what they wanted. They were all immigrants who were getting by with what they had. Survival was the goal and their children (my generation) was the focus. Because (of those very good reasons) I didn’t have that exposure, and I never got to learn and practice how to declare what I want.

This is not a defect. This is a tremendous growth opportunity for me. The foundational reasons why I can’t decide and claim what I desire can be unlearned, and then I can learn how to by finding others who can model it for me and practicing.

286. Out of our hands

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Sometimes our best laid plans are just that – plans.

Some plans never come to fruition. Or they come but in their own time.

Our ego will gladly “own” those plans and call it “ours.” If they work out, our ego will fill our brains with self-congratulatory thoughts. And if they don’t work out, they will be happy to blame and shame us.

But do we deserve either?

Maybe we are only the vessel or channel or messenger of those plans. Whether they materialize may not be in our hands at all.

285. Wherever I go, there they are

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I went on a big tour my spring break in senior year of high school to finalize on a college to attend. I found one I loved but coming home and making that final decision was hard.

The school was amazing but also overwhelming. Everyone seemed so much more sophisticated, more wealthy, and more together than my small town 17 year old self. I was terrified that I wouldn’t belong and not make any friends. I shared that thought with my cousin who is 12 years older than me.

She told me that all that mattered was that I liked the school because I would find my people. Her exact words were probably more in line with I will find friends but “my people” is so much more than friends.

And she was right – I did find my people in that college including my husband and some of my best friends.

I have felt similar fears in other transitions – moving to Boston, changing jobs, moving to the suburbs, and joining various programs. There is always this feeling – like a little meerkat that is on its hind legs peering around looking for the “people who are like me!”

And I am always reminded, they are there. Perhaps they have always been there and they are what make the choice “feel” like the right one or perhaps they appear because I made that choice. I’ll likely never know but I am rest assured that I will always find “my people” wherever I go.