My child had a difficult moment tonight that was totally my fault – I let him stay up too late to watch the Olympics.
As I am getting him ready for bed, he starts hitting and kicking me. The angry version of me appears suddenly. Rage takes over the wheel. Words and actions spill out that I can almost watch myself saying and doing but I can’t stop them. It is like a part of me that has been repressed has been triggered and comes roaring out when she’s finally had ENOUGH.
I feel shame over this part of me. “I” know better than to let anger take over. And I think anger can be healthy but this anger doesn’t feel pure. It feels like the little child in me is saying, “You don’t get to do this because I never did! I never got away with all of this nonsense!” She is hurt and does not want to give the validation of my child’s feelings because she never got validation.
“Little me, you had to hold it together for everyone else. You never got to be a child. You were never given the time or space to grow into your feelings. You never got the freedom to let your anger out. You never had that liberty to just be a kid. I love you. I love you. I love you. You have my permission to go do the things you want to do. The things children do. Go play. Go play. Go play. Oh child, go play.”
As I wrote through this post, I actually had to take a break after “Oh my…” to say a version of these words to my inner child. Once I realized that what manifested tonight between me and my son was coming from deep within, a wound that is over 30 years old. Tears fell, I grabbed my chest, speaking to the heart of me where I feel like my inner child hides. When I do these inner child healings, it hurts – years of repression, sadness, anger and disappointment come out in tears and chest heaving but they are worth it because I feel lighter and a little more healed.
A realization I had during my inner dialogue was around my word for 2021, which is “play.” As I repeated, “go play” to my inner child, I realized that the word “play” is not for me, it is for her. This year was and is all about my own inner child work and releasing the habits and triggers that are holding me back from being happy, healthy and fulfilled.