Lisa for Real

302. Given a full breath

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My friends, who I share a group chat with, were having a rough week, and so I sent over a passage about the beauty of autumn that I read in a recent newsletter from James Clear. The passage written by Lin Yutang in her book My Country and My People reads:

“I like spring, but it is too young. I like summer, but it is too proud. So I like best of all autumn, because its leaves are a little yellow, its tone mellower, its colours richer, and it is tinged a little with sorrow and a premonition of death. Its golden richness speaks not of the innocence of spring, nor of the power of summer, but of the mellowness and kindly wisdom of approaching age. It knows the limitations of life and is content. From a knowledge of those limitations and its richness of experience emerges a symphony of colours, richer than all, its green speaking of life and strength, its orange speaking of golden content and its purple of resignation and death.”

I thought it was quite beautiful and sending it to a text chain of leaf-peeping New Englanders would be appreciated.

One of my friends text back and said, “I think I just took a full breath for the first time since waking up.”

Art is crucial for self-expression, cultural expression, healing, and so much more as I share often in my blog. But I’m not sure I have ever witnessed more clearly the ability for art to take us out of the everyday hustle and grind and give us a deep breath.

When we take the time to soak in art, whatever the form, we are transformed and transported, even if it is only temporarily. Our minds are cleared. We are reminded of the beauty of the world. Our tension dissipates and we are able to take that full breath our bodies so desperately need.

296. We need to observe and to create

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Art reminds us that we are human.

Whether it be a painting, song, movie, dance, or book, art has the ability to bypass all the cobwebs and walls in our hearts and unearth deeply buried emotions.

The observation of art can help bring them to the surface and release them.

The creation of art can help us move through them.

As humans, we need to both.

292. The challenge of a whole motherhood

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I have a great need to feel whole – not just as a mother but also as a creator, a writer and coach, community member, friend, wife and all the other roles I embody.

As I mother, I wonder – do my children need to see me as my whole self? Or do they only need to see me as their mom?

I think the latter.

My children need me to be their security and consistency. My achievements are not as noteworthy as making a yummy dinner or reading them a bedtime story.

The balance of who I wholly am and who I am to my children feels at odds at times, an impossible task of balancing my need to be fulfilled in creating and their needs in being filled with love and presence.

My creating and art has never been for my kids. They’ve always been a selfish act offsetting the selflessness of mothering. My creating allows me to feel whole and grounded as motherhood throws me off balance, opens old wounds and calls for me to be all the things to me kids.

290. Hitting ‘publish’

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On the eve of launching my podcast, I am anxious and questioning myself.

I’ve been curled up in fetal position, nestled in a Lisa-shaped dip in the bed, warm, cozy and comfy under the covers. And launching this podcast would be the equivalent of throwing off the covers, shocking my body with frigid air and maybe also simultaneously having a bucket of ice water poured on me.

And for what? Why would I willingly embark on such an endeavor?

Why not just stick with writing? It’s worked out okay for me so far!

Podcasting seems like a whole other level of baring my soul. I’ve recorded hours of audio that I’ve deleted upon playback. Hearing my voice makes me cringe and gives me a pit in my stomach.

Stretching myself and my creating seems harder this time than before. But part of me also wonders if it is actually any different from when I launched this blog which I was equally inspired to create.

I have wanted to create a podcast for longer than I’ve been a mother. I have an archived folder on my computer with multiple cover arts for podcast ideas that have come and gone. If I don’t stretch and reach now, how long before this dream leaves me entirely, tired of my hiding and fears?

Fears are thoughts that our brains have created to protect us, but not the adult version of us. They were created to protect the little child version of us. Adult version of me knows podcasting is the next thing – even if the reasons are unclear. Little version of me says it is downright terrifying and in inquiring a little further, it is scary because new stages of my life have felt unsupported and are always where I lose friends – that feels scary and unsafe.

Oh, little Lisa, you have survived every new thing that you’ve done. New stages are where you’ve met amazing people – people who remain friends today. Following your inspirations have always led you down a path that seems like it was meant to be. And you have so much support from your physical and spiritual team who have been part of the magic of living this inspired life.

Intellectually knowing why I feel the fear does not make it any easier. This is one of those moments where I am feeling the fear and doing it anyway. Closing my eyes and hitting ‘publish’.

And I know, there will not be any big explosion. There will not be a mass exodus of family and friends. There will not be an upheaval of my life. There will be no covers pulled off of me. And there will be no bucket of ice water poured on me.

But what a choice to hit ‘publish’.

284. Why can’t we create?

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The actual act of creating takes very little time in comparison to the ideation, the procrastination, the overthinking, the second guessing, the doubting, the freezing, the stalling and all the other forms of fear that show up.

Once the fear is understood, the focus can return to the actual creation.