Lisa for Real

2.75 Table for one, please

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“Table for 1, please.”

……

Pause.

……

Did you think any of the following?

“How sad!”
“They must have no friends”
“They must have gotten stood up”
“I would never go out and eat alone.”

Being alone is not a bad thing. However, eating alone is seen as taboo, cringeworthy and sympathy inducing.

One of the reasons for these reactions may be how we were raised. If we were sent to our room, sent to sit in the corner or ignored when we got in trouble as young people, then loneliness would feel like a bad thing.

Loneliness = ostracization.

And ostracization is the biggest fear that humans have on a very basic level. We are a community reliant species. We need acceptance, comradery and togetherness to survive.

If we were punished with being sent “away,” we are not going to view a “table for one” as desirable.

Now the adult version of us is not going to be sent to our rooms or the time-out corner. One way to try to re-program ourselves of this thinking is to tell ourselves “I am safe when I am alone.”

And repeat.

Perhaps, afterwards, we can confidently go into a restaurant one day and say “Table for 1, please.”

2.49 What we, as humans, need most

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As humans and as community dependent beings, we need to be assured that we exist by others.

We need to be touched. The first form of touch many of us were fortunate to have and needed to have was physical touch. Loving kisses and gentle care. Physical touch tells us – here you are in your physical form. Here is your skin. You are safe to be contained in that skin. You are safe to be.

We need to be heard. Our cries are the first forms of communication to our caretakers. Our survival as babies was dependent on being heard. As we grow, we continue to need to be heard. We need others to thoughtfully listen and often, repeat what we say so then we can hear ourselves anew. We need others to hear the thoughts we have to disrupt the loop of self-talk.

We need to be seen. And this is something we cannot do for ourselves. The closest is a reflection or in photos. We will never be able to stand across from ourselves and truly look into our own eyes. We need others to say I see you. You are worthy. You are right where you need to be.

Our survival, our growth and our everyday living depend on community. We were never meant to be alone. Living our best lives has to include other people. Other people need us to lift them up, and we need others to do the same for us. We need others who give us assurance, safety and belonging. We need others who recognize our existence, our worth and our gifts. We need one another right from the start and all throughout this beautiful life.

2.34 Villages aren’t just for mothers

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Whether or not we have children, we are meant to be part of a village with them. This is not a role of servitude, though being in a village would mean we contribute. It would be very much a reciprocal relationship.

Being around children reveals to us the inner, lifelong wounds that need tending and healing. It gives us insight into what we have held back or dampened because children live uninhibited.

If we can become aware of how we have compensated in our childhood, we can return to ourselves.

2.16 Going to the riverbank

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As I was handwashing sweaters today (a much dreaded activity), I thought about how women used to go to the riverbanks together to do their laundry. And as I washed alone in silence, I wondered the conversations that they would have.

As sure as I am that there were lighthearted conversations, I am equally sure there was sharing of knowledge from person to person and from generation to generation.

While I wrung my sweaters and wondered how to “lay [them] flat to dry”, I thought about those women by the riverbank sharing all they know with each other. They would have passed onto me so many ideas on how to lay my sweaters flat – ideas that were shared and tested over years washing alongside one another. And I imagined how many more innovations were shared between them.

In this modern age, innovation is still seen as coming from “eureka moment’s” by some nerdy guy in a garage. As Silicon Valley glamorous that scenario is, it feels quite soul-ness. And I wonder how differently innovation would be defined if 21st century women had our version of going to the riverbank to wash and chat and share ideas together.

2.13 WWJD

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Growing up in the 90s, I remember seeing fishes attached to the back of cars and plastic bracelets of all sizes and colors adorned on wrists with the acronym “WWJD.” Not being particularly religious, I didn’t quite understand why someone would wear a bracelet or emblazon their car with “What would Jesus do?”

But being a little older and wiser, I think I get it.

I was in the midst of making my bi-monthly humungo batch of chicken tikka masala when I heard from a friend that she was having some major water issues at home. I packed up a few takeout containers of rice and food for her and her family and dropped it off.

When she thanked me, I told her how I often think about what anyone in our group of friends would do for another in a tough situation. I am so lucky to have a circle of people in my community that I could count on in times of distress but even more so, I am so lucky to have a circle of people that inspire me to be a better person and who I can conjure up and ask – what would they do in this situation?

Wearing the WWJD bracelets were a reminder for folks to live a life and carry themselves in line with their values. While I don’t have the same source of inspiration as them, I feel I’m doing something very similar.