I have been looking towards this number day for a while – 265 means there are only 100 days left to the year.

It is totally arbitrary and yet feels important at the same time.

Our brains create meaning where they want to.

100 days feels quite significant. It feels like the right time to look back to see what has happened for me so far this year and to look forward in gratitude for what will happen for me the rest of the year.

We are always in this space and time of ‘now’ where there is always a before and after. We always have a choice to say if life is happening for us or to us. We have agency in making meaning or not to.

While the earth may revolve around the sun and spin on its axis without any input from me, there is no doubt that those planetary miracles are happening for me. Perhaps the same can be said for all the other things around me whether there is any input from me.

I have had busy periods in my life and often, there is a “finish line.” Weeks of obligations and things to check off my list and I tell myself – then I will rest after I finish XYZ.

Having a goal post or a finish line gives me something to work towards. And it can also make me put my blinders on and forget to check in with my body, my relationships and my soul.

It can feel “on purpose” to work towards something, and yet, ultimately, there is really no finish line. We should be pausing everyday, maybe every hour to ask ourselves “is this still what I want?” “does this still make sense?” “have my needs and desires changed at all?”

And then after asking these questions, we wait.

Wait until we get an answer from our inner knowing, from our soul, from our wisest self.

Say no to doing what you don’t want to do.

Say yes to doing what you do want to do.

Whether we say yes or we say no, lets work towards the life we want to lead.

Make sure you don’t switch those yes’s and no’s.

I realized lately, I cringe at the word “fun.” I don’t consider myself a “fun” parent. My idea of fun is hunkering down at my computer and solving an Excel problem.

Fun is circular with no beginning and no end. There’s no actual productive output.

My upbringing and capitalism have drained all of the funny out of my bones (I do have fun with words though :).

Because of this, it is something I am deeply exploring because we all deserve to have fun. To be able to enjoy ourselves in the moment of doing something without being concerned of what the long term vision is or if it aligns with this or that part of our life.

What is the adult version of fun? More importantly, what is MY version of fun? Is it coloring books with way too many details? Is it going out for dinner with friends? Is it perusing the shelves of the local bookstore without a purpose in mind?

I’m embracing this exploration as I think so much of me needs to rekindle her relationship to fun. What do you consider fun? I’d love some ideas.

What advice are you giving that you should be taking?

It is so much easier to hold the role of “Wise One” for others. Their problems are clear as day! 

And what is beautiful is that others are very often a mirror of ourselves. What we admire in others is within us and what we critique of others is also within us. 

With this awareness, we should be taking more of our own medicine.

During some of my most doubtful moments where I want to throw my hands in the air and change my life in a dramatic way, I entertain the idea of becoming a plumber. I have taken apart the pipes under my kitchen sink and all of my bathrooms throughout our time in this home. I get a strange satisfaction from cleaning clogs and gunk from the drains. I’ve even gone as far as researching how I can become licensed. It takes apprenticeship and seemingly way too long a lead time for my momentum-loving brain to be okay with.

Let me call it out that a female plumber in a suburban setting with lots of wives and female-led households would be in high demand. I’d highly encourage anyone interested to pursue it!

With that said, let’s get back to me and plumbing.

Plumbing would be my first choice among all of the trades. It is very analogous to what I love about coaching – dealing with the system that does the cleansing and flushing.

I find plumbing pretty straightforward and logical – if the kitchen sink is having a problem, the problem is very likely going to be right under the sink. It also seems to allow for creative problem solving (you should see what someone did to my kitchen sink pipes) while not requiring much equipment or involving danger.

Above all, I love working with my hands and solving problems. When I figured out why my garbage disposal wasn’t working today, it was satisfying in a very immediate way. This is in great contrast to mothering where I will not see the fruits of my efforts for decades. I wonder if more mothers feel the same frustration and so when the long term seems too far away, we reach for Candy Crush or the game of the minute to satisfy our immediate need for completion.

Who knows if my plumbing ambitions will ever quiet. In the meantime, I look forward to learning in the moment whether that be a sink that is clogged from my kids’ “experiments” or a toilet that isn’t flushing as efficiently.

I’m starting to read The Female Persuasion (and when I say start, I really mean it because my kids woke up as I start page 13).

One sentence describing the protagonist really got me thinking – “She could give answers easily, but rarely opinions.” I haven’t exactly heard it said quite so straightforwardly, and because of the way the author states it, I felt it down to my bones.

Little girls are taught to know the “right” answers and expected to share them but never given the space or attention to voice their opinions. Answers have facts to back them up, facts probably “founded” and “confirmed” by men. Answers are black and white, right or wrong vs. opinions which have nuance, consider emotions and values and qualitative, intangible properties that cannot always be backed by facts. As those girls grow to be women, it is not within our patterning to share our opinions. We expect them to be discounted or ignored.

I have seen this patterning within myself and have seen the opinion part of me grow in strength and breadth. This change is essential to reclaiming our power. I’m excited to learn more about how this character evolves from an answer person to an opinion person.

Sometimes I fall asleep with the kids and then groggily wake up, get to my computer and hit a second wind as I write my blog for the next day.

Over the last almost 3 years of blogging daily, this has happened dozens of times. Night time is my quiet, reflective writing time and a non-negotiable.

What does it mean to come back to my computer every night to write?

It anchors me in my day. No matter what happens, I am back here, clearing cobwebs, trying to make sense of my thoughts, feelings and experiences of the last 24 hours. When I used to write and send an email newsletter once a week, I would freeze – I had way too many thoughts I hadn’t sorted through to create a coherent email.

Writing everyday gives space for the thoughts that are lingering to leave my body through my fingers. When that happens, I can look deeper, feel deeper and then, write about what is happening below the surface because there isn’t anything skipping around in my brain distracting me.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – writing daily has transformed my life. I believe I’ve only started to see the impact. It is something I encourage for anyone who is looking for clarity and direction and want to tap into their inner voice and power.

The only constant in life is change, and by definition, change brings starts and stops.

It is funny that humans are wired for stability when the only constant in our lifetimes is change. We mistakenly try to achieve stability around us – like turning on the air conditioning to have 72 degree homes year round, creating predictable schedules regardless of weather or other natural occurrences and cross breeding bananas to get the perfect one that sells in grocery stores around the world.

It is impossible to try to make our world stable.

What we can do is create stability within. Having a steady, fortified ship with direction is the best thing we can do as we roll through these never ending waves of change.

To become a mother comes with a whole set of experiences. So many are beautiful, fulfilling and joyful and almost equally as many are hard, heartbreaking and bittersweet. One I didn’t anticipate giving me heartbreak was the decision of not having any more kids.

I’ve got three and am very content with three. And yet I love love love new babies. I have been transformed for the better with each of my pregnancies and births. And yet, I cannot imagine going through another 9 months of pregnancy and birth and fourth trimester and so on and so on.

Carrying, birthing and breastfeeding for nearly ten years means this body has not been solely mine for a long time. I know I do not want another cycle of those experiences. I am ready to call this body my own again.

And I am ready to focus beyond me towards my ambitions. Those who “lean in” will say that I never had to put my ambitions on hold. And perhaps for some people that’s true, but for me, I can only split myself into so many pieces while still feeling coherent. Some things do have to give way in order to raise children. Those are hard decisions we have to make as mothers and my choices have probably been 80 kids/20 me.

This is the path forward for me. And yet, my certainty is greatly contrasted by the grief I have in deciding so. I grieve never sniffing the head of a newborn. Never again feeling that flavor of wonder and joy and marvel of welcoming a new being who I cohabitated with for 9 months. Never again snuggling with a new spirit. Never again experiencing those first’s – first grasp of my finger, first steps, first words and so on.

Making this decision feels selfish because society says women need to be mothers and mothers need to give and give until we have nothing left. This is certainly a decision that is highly influenced by what is best for me – but it is not selfish! What is best for me is best for my family and for those who will be impacted by my re-focusing. I cannot make any more decisions based on what society expects of me. This is my body and my family and my life.

We all deserve to make such “selfish” decisions and come to peace about them within ourselves. Ending any stage of our life will bring with it grief and mourning. So often endings are thrust upon us, leaving us powerless. When we end things on our own accord, it has its own sense of power with it – one that we could all use a nice reacquaintance with.