Lisa for Real

247. The ultimate self work

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Control is something we all want to have in one form or another. I’ve learned slowly, over time and repeatedly that there is only so much I can control.

Parenting has been a huge lesson in how false the idea of control is. There is nothing like trying to mother a spirited child to really bring you back down to earth. Whenever I try to take control while parenting, I am miserable.

And really, this goes into any relationship. With my partner and mother and family and friends – though I can’t say I have as much desire to control them as I do my kids.

What helps me grounded while parenting and times where I feel like I have very little control is my favorite lesson from Wayne Dyer – his quote on karma – “How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.” 

I only have control over how I react to other people and situations.

And so the ultimate self work is in examining those reactions, healing the ones that are undesirable and continuing to dig into the layers of who we are.

246. More than an equal exchange

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I’ll be in conversations with friends or family, and I think, “Wow, this person is amazing. They are giving me so much, and I’m like a lump on a log. I’ve gotta think of something helpful to say/do or I won’t be giving enough.”

At some point growing up, the idea of fairness came to mean an equal exchange. And that idea carried over to relationships where each conversation has to end up “even.”

But that’s not how relationships work. The give and take exchange does not have to be even at the end of each interaction. A relationship takes place over time and that give and take does as well. And just maybe, that “deficit,” which is really gratitude, keeps us going back to the other person to try to even it out.

At the end of the day, true relationships aren’t about keeping score but to make sure the other person knows how valued and important they are.

245. Greater than the sum of your parts

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Who we are is amazingly complex. We all have so many identities, playing countless roles in many relationships.

When we are given the opportunity to answer the question “Who am I?” it is a reflex to head to those roles and rattle them off for the inquirer. But we are more than the roles and parts we play.

We are all of them and much much more.

I’m curious to know, what is your “more”?

244. On the path to self

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On the path to self –

Ask more questions than you think necessary.

Be curious.

Wonder to your heart’s desire.

Understand the inner child.

Observe your body’s cues.

Watch for signs from nature.

Go slowly.

Detach from the ego.

Ask, “Is that true?”

Have real conversations with people different than you.

Take all the personality tests.

Be kind to yourself. The path is not straightforward and there is no wrong way of doing it.

243. Seeking the wrong kind of safety

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When something happens to us that is congruent with our beliefs, we feel safe. We feel that something is familiar, and we want more of it.

When something happens to us that contrasts with our beliefs, they jar us and can make us feel unsafe.

We seek safe moments but what if the beliefs we want to reinforce are outdated? Our survival mechanisms from childhood worked wonders back then but as adults, they can actually hinder our growth.

Playing up my young age and naivete worked when I was a child in order to get help from adults, but as an adult, it has hindered my communication in many areas including as an employee, a customer and a partner. I have had to work through the belief that people will only help me if I act vulnerable and unknowledgeable.

Our brains want to feel safe but at a certain point, that kind of safety is outdated and no longer serves us.

Can you identify a thought, belief or behavior that helped you survive your childhood? And how does it serve or not serve you now?