One of the reasons modern day society is so full of sadness and loneliness is because we make lots of assumptions about each other.

Sadness and loneliness does not come from the assumptions made that people are bad/dangerous/racist/bigoted/mean/etc.

It is actually quite the opposite.

It is the assumptions that people are better/happier/wealthier/smarter/healthier/prettier/etc. than we are that really drives us to feel unhappy and disconnected.

Always check your assumptions.

Remember that no one and no one’s life is perfect. We are all human. And we could all use more true connection and conversations.

As a second generation Chinese-American and as a parent, I have mixed feelings about love.

Growing up, my family never talked about love. We never said “I love you.” Physical affection was non-existent. We never hugged. And kisses were not a thing until I started giving my mom the occasional kiss when she went to work and before going bed.

Instead, love was shown through food – cooking, eating what was cooked, asking if we’ve eaten yet, through service – working to make money and put a roof over our heads, cleaning up after ourselves and through obedience – doing a good job in school, being a good daughter/sister/granddaughter.

I’m eight years into parenting and my old experiences of love often come bubbling to the surface as I get triggered by my children. Not eating their food, not listening when I ask to do something, and not taking care of their belongings are things that my inner child equates to not loving me.

Love is unconditional. But having grown up in an environment where love is conditional, tied to doing or not doing things, I am not quite there with instilling it into my kids yet.

As always, the work has to be done internally first. That includes rewiring my beliefs and associated thoughts on love. One way to do it is making two columns – 1) things I equate with love today (and while growing up) and 2) things I want to equate with love or to show my love.

When we can embody what we want love to be, then we can bring it into the next generation.

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Parenting while informed about trauma does not make me a better parent.

I still get triggered. I still yell. I still get frustrated. I still have unreasonable expectations for what my kids can do.

Lately, the knowledge has felt like a burden. It adds another layer of guilt and responsibility that overwhelms me.

When I lose my temper, my mind immediately fast forwards 10 to 20 years from now where my kids are less of their magnificent selves because of what I did during their childhood.

I know I am a good mom. I know the fear I share above is probably not going to happen. And I know that I cannot take all of the credit for how my kids turn out. But part of me still very much doubts what I am doing. And perhaps that doubt will never leave me.

I am incredibly grateful to know about trauma and to be healing while I parent. There is the saying – with great power comes great responsibility. Parenting is the ultimate responsibility. And I’ve come to learn it also requires great trust in myself, in my children and in the journey.

I started seeing a therapist who is of East Asian descent.

After two sessions, I shared with a friend that I wasn’t sure if I was gaining anything from going to a therapist who “looked like me.”

In my third session, I told my therapist that I served as the family translator while growing up and had to take care of all sorts matter by calling many different people on the phone.

Upon reflection, I realized that I did not have to spend time after that part of the session to field questions from my therapist about why that was something I did, what it meant to my family and how it is a big part of my identity growing up.

The benefit of this therapist/client relationship was not about seeing someone who looked like me on the other side of the screen (though I recognize this could definitely be a benefit to someone else!). In other words, it wasn’t a benefit for me to see her and our familiarities. The benefit was for her to see me! I hadn’t realized how much energy I put forth in either translating and explaining my stories for an unaware audience or in avoiding sharing certain stories altogether.

Sometimes, we don’t realize how our very normal things are not that normal. I’m sure as I go through more sessions, I will realize other ways I unknowingly compensate for my identity.

No one wants to be considered a follower. That’s the equivalent of being called a loser or brainless or a minion.

However, we inevitably will fall into the follower category, especially if we find people like us with similar tastes and interests.

There’s nothing wrong with following the crowd under the right circumstances.

First, make sure it is a crowd that you want to be a part of. Are these people you respect and who respect you? Are they helping othersm and are your values aligned?

Second, don’t mindlessly do, buy or create something just because those awesome, cool people are. Check in with yourself first and use your decision making muscles and internal barometers to ensure you are aligned with the choice.

Third, re-evaluate along the way. Once you make a decision to do something, you don’t have to stick with it forever! Re-check those internal barometers to ensure that you are still aligned with the people and the choice.

Always check-in with yourself before following the crowd.