Somehow my little self knew that my family did not have a lot of money or resources. So, I learned not to ask for things.
I don’t remember complaining about not having new clothes or toys. It was a simple fact that we didn’t shop for those things. My mom would say I was “well behaved” for not asking or complaining.
Once in a while, on the way to the center of town, my mom would treat my brother and me to a Gatorade and donuts. I knew that the trips I took to Dunkin’ Donuts were a treat, and boy, did I savor those Bavarian cream donuts.
In high school, my best friends signed up for a trip to Europe over mid-winter break. I didn’t even think to ask my mom if I could go. Once I saw the price on the permission slip, I threw the sheet away.
I thought that even if I did ask, my mom would say no so there was no point in disappointing myself.
I shut down the ability to ask for things because I believed that I wouldn’t get those things. I also shut down the ability in order to to protect my mom from having to say no.
It is amazing what our child selves knew without ever consciously knowing.
I had “enough” and I was expected to be grateful for it. You bet I am so grateful for what I had, and I also acknowledge what I missed out on.
Through my childhood, I learned that it was not safe to ask for more. I learned that enough was good enough. I learned that resources were limited and I should not take more than my share.
I realize I’ve had trouble with the word “abundance” because of this belief that I should be grateful for “enough.” Abundance means more than enough, and my issue with asking for more has prevented that abundance from coming to me.
Now, I’m learning to welcome in abundance. I’m learning to ask for what I want. I’m learning that I can have more than enough because I am enough and I am deserving.
I write everyday because it allows me to voice what is at the surface. Once that is out of my head, I can dig in another layer deeper. My daily writing practice has been my greatest exploration of self and humanity. Sign up here to receive these thought nuggets in your inbox on the daily.