When a hawk hunts, it majestically circles the sky in search of an unsuspecting critter. Its powerful eyes can see a mouse from a hundred feet away. And when it is ready, it dives down and grabs its prey.

In my continuous search for what it is I want to offer the world, I have felt like a hawk on a hunt with wings out gliding through the air. It has been a beautiful journey. Now that I know what to call the work I want to do, I feel like I’m stuck in the air unable to swoop down and claim what I want.

It is not easy to embody the actions of a predator. So much of my conditioning has made me a passive person who is afraid and unable to actually hunt. I can play predator all the way until the “kill” but if anyone is to make an impact, there needs to be the embodiment of that huntress energy. My next step feels like it needs to be clearing what is preventing me from diving down.

A whole summer lies in front of my family and me.

I only have so many summers with my kids before summer jobs, friends, and other opportunities or responsibilities become a more fun or needed option for them. The notion that our time is limited is true and is a fear-based tool of sorts to help me make the most of this fleeting season. At the same time, it can create tremendous guilt when there aren’t super fun plans everyday or when I’m not spending 24/7 with them (#workingmom).

I consider myself a realistic and balanced mom, and I work hard on my mental state to be so. That doesn’t prevent the guilt I feel as I scroll social media to see my connections’ summer highlights or hear of how friends have mapped out all of their kids’ schedules with fun activities and are attending all of them. When that guilt surfaces, I have to remind myself that I will never be there for every single little thing for my kids, that I am doing the best that I can and that my kids will be okay at the end of the day.

Parents aren’t meant to be physically present in everything. I think we are meant to be omnipresent though. Omnipresent through the values we teach, the community we build and through the connection we build with our kids.

Yes, a whole summer lies ahead of us. I hope my kids have the very best one yet in all the ways they experience it.

MY BODY
MY CHOICE
MY RIGHT

Feeling safe within our bodies and having autonomy over our bodies are rights, not nice to have’s. I’m still very much processing the enormity of the overturning Roe vs Wade. I’m furious on behalf of the young people who will be impacted. I’m angry for the collective. I’m appalled and embarrassed for this country. I’m fearful for anybody who needs to make the decision to get an abortion.

My stomach is in knots. My throat is tense. My jaw is locked. My teeth are clenched. My mind feels airy and ungrounded. My body is my own and not.

And yet, all I have is my body. And all I can do is protect it and try to feel safe in it because only then can I do the work.

So I breathe in and breathe out.

I unclench, loosen, unlock, and feel my feet and body connect to the bed I am laying on.

I breathe in and visit the various parts of my body and breathe out and say aloud “this is my body” through all sorts of voices – comforting, anger, f*cking furious, settled, sad and affirmative.

Repeating “this is my body” through the emotions reminds me it is safe to be in MY body. It is more than safe to be angry on behalf of MY body. And it is MINE, MINE, MINE.

I came into this world owning nothing but my skin and all it encapsulates. I will fight for my right to keep it that way and for the choices I make about it.

My body, my choice. It is a very simple concept, so much so that my toddlers understand it, and yet the right to my body and my choices have been overridden and used as political pawns.

I’m preparing myself for lots of conversation on the overturning of Roe vs. Wade. I’m preparing myself for efforts to figure out how to retain the rights that remain of me and all my uterus bearing friends and family. I’m preparing myself to support those whose livelihoods hinge on other “precedented” laws.

Removing the rights to abortion has a direct impact on the health, economic welfare, and autonomy of millions of people. It takes away psychological and physical safety especially for those who belong to additional marginalized identities. And it also takes away our attention to our relationships, our homes, our work and many other things because we have to fight the injustice.

I’m still processing the emotions coursing through me. I’m both angry and helpless. I’m in both fight and freeze. Action and inaction. I’m furious for the collective and fearful for my children. I’m ready to march and tired of talking.

There is no conclusion to this post as it is only the beginning.

To disrupt cycles where we make the same mistake over and over again, we have to apply hindsight in the moment.

Maybe that is why so many of us repeat mistakes with some taking a very long time to disrupt them.

Repetitive cycles can be an automatic response to triggers. Our bodies and minds go into autopilot, and it is really hard to disrupt ourselves when we are in that state. When we are in cycle, we don’t expect to come across that lesson until later in the process and so we go through the motions and wait until that moment.

Pulling hindsight into the moment requires for us to be present with ourselves as we go through those patterns of behavior. Then we can insert that hindsight into the moment and stop that non-serving pattern.